


don't go wasting your emotions

by yukten



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Developing Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-16
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-01 05:28:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13991463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yukten/pseuds/yukten
Summary: “xuxi,” ten says, and lucas thinks it’s the first time he’s been called by his name all night. “what doyoulike?”i like you, he thinks.a lot.(or, the one where lucas has a gigantic crush and ten tries nearly everything to stop it.)





	1. don't go wasting your emotions

**Author's Note:**

> unbeta'd (and probably shouldn't be LOL)

“can you still see me?”

 

lucas looks away from his chat thread, spotting his hyung peaking out from behind the buses. “yes?”

 

“shit,” ten mumbles, hiding once again. lucas tries to hide the amusement on his face as taeyong and mark come back onto set after having their makeup retouched. “how about now?”

 

“why can’t you sit inside with everyone else? it’s freezing out here.” taeyong shivers, as if on cue, and mark pats his shoulder. “i can see like, your arm, but only a little.”

 

ten doesn’t respond, at least not verbally. he’s not even supposed to be on location today, lucas notes, but the managers thought it’d be easier to keep up with them all in one place rather than let ten wander freely or letting him stay at the hotel alone. there’d been a lot more fan presence than expected, and safety was in numbers, apparently. lucas didn’t really have much of a choice but to go along with what he was being told, and so far it was just a lot of posing and sitting and repeating the same actions over and over until the director thought it looked okay.

 

still, anything was better than more aimless practicing and studying in the basement, silently wondering when your debut date would come up. he can still remember the hope he’d gotten when he’d gotten his first filming schedule with ten, fooling around on set and realizing how close he was to making his dreams come true, only to be told that he’d have to wait more. it felt like heartbreak, especially after getting a taste of the fans’ love and knowing they were waiting with him, but having the other trainees around him, knowing they were going through the same thing made things a bit easier. 

 

there are more perks to debuting besides the feeling of accomplishment, though. lucas likes practicing choreo that’ll actually be seen by people, likes being in front of the camera and doing spontaneous vlives. he likes his new dorm and the chaos that comes with all of them trying to get ready in the morning for their respective activities. he likes getting closer to everyone, the familial bond he’d built with some of them as a trainee strengthening even more. he likes the attention of being a fresh face, craves it almost, and every second they spend on this location is another second closer to showing the world the him that he’s been dying share for years.

 

mark asks, “does anyone know how many more of these we’re doing? i’m starting to get hungry again.”

 

“we had lunch, like, two hours ago.”

 

“i’m a growing boy,” mark says, and taeyong rolls his eyes.

 

lucas hears the rest of the crew starting to get back on set, and he starts to rejoin the rest of the members inside but taeyong catches his arm. “yeah?”

 

“take ten with you.” he nods in the direction of the buses, “he’s been too quiet for too long. i don’t have the best feeling about it.”

 

he starts to protest, mostly because he’s really starting to feel the cold in his toes, but then taeyong gives him a look and he knows that he’s gonna have to suck it up and do what he’s told. “he won’t listen to me, y’know.”

 

“you’re better off than anyone else here,” taeyong mumbles.

 

lucas doesn’t know exactly what that means, but he takes off in the direction he’d seen ten go last as the director starts getting things in place. there’s not a lot of places to hide on a closed set, but ten tries his best, back pressed against the lower half of the bus as he sits cross-legged in the snow. out of all the hyungs, ten’s probably one of the more playful ones, and maybe that’s why lucas sort of has a certain level of favoritism towards him. they match each other’s energy well, plus he’d been pretty consistent about looking over and chatting with lucas when he looked uncomfortable, and he kind of owes ten for calling on him during dream in a dream. had he not, he probably wouldn’t already have so much anticipation around him, or he might not even be here in ukraine right now.

 

ten looks so small, blanket draping over his shoulders, scrolling through the phone in his hand. he’s got his earbuds in now, and lucas almost feels bad about disturbing him, but he knows what has to be done. “ten, let’s go in, it’s starting to snow again.”

 

“go on without me. i’m all comfortable and my legs are tired.” ten swats at lucas’s knee, “i’m not gonna move or anything while they’re filming.”

 

“but hyung said—”

 

“taeyong worries over nothing and you know it,” ten says. lucas can’t really disagree, and so he continues, “here, sit, i’ll give you the blanket.”

 

through the window of the bus, lucas can see mark and taeyong still talking to the director. they’ve likely already put both him and ten to the backs of their minds, focusing on the task at hand. “if we get in trouble—”

 

“i’ll take the blame, don’t worry about it.” ten moves closer as lucas sits beside him. they’re close enough that their legs touch, and lucas can feel the heat radiating from the older boy’s body. 

 

there’s a comfortable silence between them as things continue on the set behind them, the bridge’s rap from _boss_ playing and stopping every so often. lucas mostly sends messages back and forth in his group chat with the dreamies or to some of his school friends, though he flips through a webtoon every so often. out of the corner of his eye he watches ten, finger moving in bursts across his screen, vision locked intently on the device. 

 

“what are you doing?” he asks eventually, leaning a bit closer. he over judges the distance, and their shoulders knock together. lucas feels something in his chest go haywire.

 

ten tilts his phone a bit so he can see the doodle he’s working on, having drawn on top of a photo he’d taken earlier. for being done with his finger versus a stylus, lucas thinks it’s pretty amazing. “i wish i’d brought a sketchbook or something.”

 

“it looks cool this way,” lucas says. “i like you did with the cars and the skyline. you should post in on the fancafe or twitter or something.”

 

he wrinkles his nose, “it’s not _that_ good.”

 

“it’s really good! i mean it! i mean, it’s better than the stick figures i do!” lucas protests, though ten doesn’t seem to pay him much mind. “if i like it this much, imagine what the fans will think!”

 

“yeah,” ten hums, switching out of the app. “do you wanna get food after this?”

 

lucas raises a brow, “like, with everyone else? wasn’t that already the plan?”

 

“i think most people are going straight to the hotel to sleep. the timezone thing is really hurting us, i think, and lunch was at five.” ten says. “i know taeyong’s gonna take some people to try some of the local stuff, but i dunno. i’m kind of craving something thai? i checked out a couple of places near the hotel on the way over, so we could try that, if you want.”

 

“oh,” lucas tries not to overthink the offer. “yeah, that sounds good. i’m down.”

 

“cool, i don’t have to eat alone again, then.” ten smiles. lucas can’t tell if there’s a joke behind his words, but he’d been busying himself with getting friendly the members he didn’t know well and making sure he knew the choreography up, down, forwards, and backwards. there wasn’t a whole lot of time to worry about anyone besides himself (though the moment he thinks this, he feels a wave of guilt rush through him). “god, they’ve been filming that for awhile, huh.”

 

lucas looks at the time on his phone, “mm, about half an hour or so. i think the lighting is the hardest thing since it’s starting to get dark.”

 

“maybe,” ten turns, the blanket falling off his shoulders as he moves to his knees and peaks through the bus windows. “taeyong looks so tired.”

 

“i mean, he’s gotta know five different choreos by the end of month, plus keep up with his responsibilities as leader. i doubt he’s getting any sleep these days.” lucas thinks aloud. “mark, too. it’s a lot for anybody, really.”

 

ten nods, “it sucks.”

 

“maybe,” lucas says. “but it’s worth it, right?”

 

something twitches on ten’s face—lucas wouldn’t call it a smile, but it’s not really a frown either. it’s something in between, a certain air of uncertainty in it that makes him question everything for the first time in months. “guess we’ll find out, yeah?”

 

 

 

—

 

 

 

lucas loses track of time once they rejoin the others and have to squeeze in a photoshoot before they’re released for the night, cramming inside the vehicles and waving sleepily at the fans that are still lingering around. he thinks he nods off a few times on the way back to the hotel, but once they get there and everyone’s being noisy and bustling through the lobby together he feels more awake. 

 

he claims the first shower, mostly because he feels disgusting and whether he’s about to go out again or not, he wants be clean. ten shoots him a confirmation message a little after he’s redressed, comfortable jeans and a old worn sweatshirt that keeps him warm even when it’s not snowing, and lucas carefully avoids the look jungwoo gives him when he tells him he’ll be back later. it’s a conversation worth having at a time when they’re not running on empty and living on impulse decisions, though.

 

the thing is, lucas isn’t stupid. he would like to think he’s a pretty smart guy who just occasionally has idiotic tendencies, like going out to dinner with someone who probably doesn’t think much of him outside of his appearance and new-ness to the group. like going out to dinner with someone who he’d grown a little more than fond of through a combination of text, video, and face-to-face interaction over the past few months. like going out to dinner with someone who, on several separate nights, had taken a starring role in his dreams and made waking up that much harder.

 

he’s not stupid, and he knows that his crush is silly and childish, and that he should probably grow out of it before the showcase happens and things start getting serious; viewers catch on to unusually closeness pretty quickly, don’t they? but on the other hand, there’s still a while to go before then, and it’s not like he initiated this. what’s the harm in a ukrainian take on thai food between two friends, after all? jungwoo’s worrying for nothing. lucas had been called out for his acting talents for a reason.

 

ten’s standing outside of the elevator when lucas goes down, no manager in sight. he smiles warmly when their eyes meet, and lucas tries to return it as best he can without looking too flustered as ten links their arms and leads them back into the cold. “it’s not that far of a walk. taeyong already took the other hyungs out in the van.”

 

“i don’t mind. fresh air, y’know.” lucas hopes his teeth aren’t chattering too loudly. “as long as there’s food at the end of this, i won’t complain.”

 

“that’s the spirit.” ten chuckles.

 

there’s a bit of small talk between them as they hike up a hill to the small restaurant, empty outside of a few older customers scattered around the room and themselves. it’s probably for the best. he doesn’t have much experience with random fan encounters and ten doesn’t look like he wants to deal with it at the moment either. it’s hard to get much time to themselves these days, especially with the way the dorms are set up. ten’s pretty lucky he has his own space to run away to when things get too messy.

 

lucas is a bit overwhelmed by the menu, but he manages to find the few dishes he’s familiar with by the time the waitress comes around. ten shrugs out of his jacket and reveals a form-fitting gray button up, which a nice change from his usually oversized clothing. he’s already such a small person, lucas thinks, his usual outfits don’t do him much favors. but he looks good tonight, much like he always does no matter what he decides to wear out, and the compliment slips out of lucas’s mouth before he can stop it.

 

“oh, thanks,” ten doesn’t really expect it either, looking away from his face. he’s…flustered? “i kind of rushed with packing. it’s a miracle i’ve made it this long without recycling anything.”

 

lucas snorts, “you only had to pack for three days, hyung.”

 

“yes, but you want to be prepared for _anything_. what if we had gone out to some fancy event, and the best thing you had was what you’re wearing right now?” ten asks. lucas restrains himself from saying that this probably _is_ the best thing he has. “you’ve gotta think ahead and be ready. life’s unpredictable, but you never wanna get behind.”

 

he nods along, “i’ll remember your sage advice next time.”

 

“ooh, sage advice. i like the sound of that. for only pennies on the dollar, you can receive ten’s sage advice once a week!” ten grins. “my words are good enough sell, aren’t they?”

 

“for sure!” lucas grins back, going for his water. “i’d sign up for it, but you’re already giving it to me for free.”

 

ten hums, pulling out his phone. “for now, at least. did you see what doyoung put in the group chat?”

 

“mm, no—” he starts, but ten turns his phone around and there’s a few pictures of the hyungs with these strange cabbage bowls, along with a few poorly lit selfies. “huh. those look interesting, i guess.”

 

“it’s like a soup, apparently? i’m sure we’ll hear all about it tomorrow.” he types something in response, then opens his front camera. “here, look. we’ll show them how selfies are supposed to be taken. lean forward a bit?”

 

the table isn’t that big, and lucas is cautious not to jostle their glasses or the flowers near the wall too much. ten’s smile is all natural, eyes catching in the light and making them sparkle, and lucas tries not to stare too long, not wanting to get called out for it later. they take a few with the snow camera too, and lucas asks ten to forward them to him just as their food arrives. it smells better than it looks, which settles his nervousness a bit, and the taste isn’t too far off from being authentic. 

 

“makes me a little homesick,” lucas tells ten, shoving a little more in his mouth. “feels like it’s been forever since my mom’s cooked for me.”

 

“whenever i go back, my mom makes feasts to make up for all the days she hasn’t made something for me. that, and because i eat like, crazy amounts whenever we don’t have to be so strict on our diets.” ten says. he points to the part of the plate lucas has been ignoring, “are you not gonna eat that?”

 

lucas turns the dish, “you can have it, it’s too sweet.”

 

“not a fan of sweet stuff?” ten prods, carefully putting it on his own plate.

 

“not really, unless it’s like, candy. and even then it’s on a rare occasion.” lucas shrugs. “spicy things are more my forte, i think.”

 

ten hums at that, chewing his mouthful of food before saying, “i’d say same but i eat chocolate so much i’ve been unofficially banned from it. multiple times.”

 

“i think you were on one the first time we met, actually.” it’s not hard to recall the conversation, not when ten had been so pouty and whining about one of the dancers that was snacking on a kitkat. lucas is sure that he began his full-fledged crush when ten went on a tyrant about how it was a crime to bite into the bars instead of breaking them into pieces. “though i’m sure you’ve been on others since then.”

 

“it’s a miserable experience, and ever since johnny moved into the dorms he goes out of his way to make it worse. once, he scared me when i was trying to bring something into my room and i dropped it all on the floor. to be fair, i shouldn’t have been eating that late, but still.” ten huffs. “i got back at him for it, though.”

 

lucas laughs, quiet enough not to disturb other guests and yet enthusiastic enough to show his amusement. “nice, hyung.”

 

there’s a small lull in the conversation until ten asks, “you’re liking everything, right? like, schedules and stuff, i mean. no one’s being mean to you?”

 

“yeah, yeah, i’m adjusting well, i think.” he says, and he means it. sure, getting woken up at the oddest hours of the morning when he’d only been in bed for three wasn’t the most pleasant thing, and he’d had to dial back his personality a bit with certain members, but for the most part things are still new and exciting. he likes having daily goals to work towards and being able to show off when he can. “why? did someone say something?”

 

“nah, i’m just asking. i’ve been where you are before, so…”

 

lucas finishes off the rest of his plate, “ah, i see. did you worry a lot when you were debuting?”

 

“mm, i think for the most part i was kind of like you, excited and a little antsy. there weren’t any other units slated then, so we had the pressure of making a big enough impact that when the other groups did come, people would be interested. i don’t think any of it hit me until the first performance.” he tells him. “it was incredibly nerve-wrecking, especially hearing the fan chants for the first time, but it got a lot easier after we’d done a few different recordings. everything gets easier with practice.”

 

“i’m sure. you have gotten a lot more confident on stage,” lucas hums. he’s also sure that phase applies to many different things. “thanks for caring about me.”

 

ten smiles and shrugs, and the conversation sways from their opinions on other boy groups to weird things they’ve caught the members doing in their free time to the types of games they play and things they do in their own free time. it’s nice, to talk freely and not think so much about his words like he does with his korean, but eventually he slips more in his pronunciations and forgets the proper words for things and so they switch to thai. it makes him think of how back on set, when the director would speak too fast, sicheng would whisper the important parts in chinese. even as he feels the need to show his manly side to match his voice and body, he still enjoys being babied here and there. the warm feeling inflates when ten takes care of the bill the moment it arrives, the exchange happening before lucas can offer to chip in, and then they’re outside again. it’s gotten even colder than before, but they walk slow and side by side, bodies pressed together for warmth. it feels like something from a movie, the way the snow falls and lands neatly in ten’s hair, cheeks red from the cold, and he can’t help that he wants to live in the moment forever.

 

it catches him off guard when ten takes his hand—goes as far as lacing their fingers together, too—and he almost flinches away on instinct, the clasping more intimate than a usual grip. ten laughs at him, body bending in half and his breath coming out in puffs of smoke. lucas’s face feels so warm he actually wishes he’d worn something thinner. “it’s not that funny.”

 

“i know, you’re just…really oblivious sometimes, aren’t you?” ten meets his eyes, “it’s cute. that’s why i laughed. you never hold hands with someone before?”

 

“i have!” he’s quick to defend himself. “just, not like this, i guess. maybe once or twice, outside of family members.”

 

ten laughs again, “sorry, then. i guess i’m just a little touchy sometimes.”

 

“no, it’s fine, i like it.” he thinks his cheeks give him away, no matter how cold it is or if he’d tried to protest it. “it was just a little unexpected, that’s all.”

 

“guess that means i have to start bothering you more. then you’ll get used to it.” ten squeezes his hand a little. “i’m not being too weird, am i?”

 

lucas raises a brow, “what?”

 

“usually when i get like this i get shoved away or something,” he shrugs, suddenly finding a new interest in staring at their footprints in the snow. “if i’m bothering you, don’t be afraid to tell be just because i’m older than you, y’know.”

 

“really, it’s fine. i’m not bothered.” lucas tries to reassure him, squeezing his hand back. “the fans like that sort of thing, don’t they? the touchiness and all that stuff. i’m sure—”

 

“xuxi,” ten says, and lucas thinks it’s the first time he’s been called by his name all night. “what do _you_ like?”

 

_i like you_ , he thinks. _a lot._ “i’d tell you if you were seriously bothering me.”

 

“then that’s what matters.” ten drags him along again, swinging their hands between them. “the fans are important, sure, but don’t let them be the end all, be all in your decisions. dress how you want, speak however you’re comfortable, and don’t be afraid to share what’s on your mind to a certain degree. i know there’s a lot of people probably telling you the exact opposite, but people care more about people who are their authentic selves rather than whatever the company wants them to be.”

 

“maybe sometimes,” he doesn’t know why he says it. “there are a few parts of me i like better when i’m over or underacting them.”

 

ten asks, “like what?”

 

“nevermind.” there’s something about ten that makes him want to tell him everything, but even he knows things are going too fast. he still wants to be the cool, tall 99liner that really wants to be in the dream unit, not the overanalyzing, super questioning teenager that doesn’t have anything non-professional figured out. “i was kidding. i don’t know why i brought it up.”

 

“it’s okay, y’know.”

 

a million red flags raise in his mind, but lucas still says, “what?”

 

“everything?” ten doesn’t make it sound like an answer. “whatever’s going on in your head, it’ll all work out. you’re still young. you’ll figure out the things that are confusing you. and if you ever need to talk about it, me and everyone else are here to listen, okay?”

 

lucas swallows, nodding, “i know.”

 

“and…” ten seems hesitant, and their eyes meet again. “you’re a little obvious, so you might wanna dial those heart eyes back before we start doing vlives together.”

 

“i—”

 

“i’m not judging you! i know i’m a pretty good looking guy, after all. i’m just saying.” ten continues. “taeyong brought it up weeks ago, but i wasn’t paying him much attention. now i see it.”

 

if his body hadn’t gotten so used to the feeling of ten’s hand in his own, he’d have run the rest of the way back to the hotel. it’s not that far left, and the lights get brighter with every step they take. he could’ve made it, easily. “oh my god.”

 

“it happens! i used to have a crush on johnny when we were trainees, but now he’s all weird and tall and extremely unattainable! i think taeyong and jaehyun probably made out a few times after we debuted!” every sentence from ten’s mouth seems to make his embarassment get worse, rather than better. “me and sicheng used to have a chat thread analyzing some of the things yuta said to him! it’s really not that weird, we’re all probably just touch starved and projecting what we want onto the people around us.”

 

lucas rubs at his eyes, “ten.”

 

“yes?”

 

“i’m not confused about…that.” he feels silly, explaining himself. he’d gone through all the denial stuff at least a year ago and worked through it to become an extremely closeted bisexual. “i’m confused on why you did all this if you already knew i liked you.”

 

“well, for one, i didn’t know. i had suspicions, and i wanted to hear it from you, not from someone else. that’s how group tension builds, and i’m not about all that.” ten starts. “and two…xuxi, you and i both know nothing’s gonna come from this. nothing that won’t eventually end in someone getting hurt, anyway. i just wanted to have one night where we wouldn’t be worrying about anything, just two people sharing food and having a good time together.”

 

lucas shakes his head, “but we _don’t_ know that.”

 

“if it’s something that has to be hidden, it’s never going to end well.” ten says. “secrets don’t ever stay secrets.”

 

“i’m not—i understand what you’re saying, but it still doesn’t make much sense to me. i mean, it does, but it doesn’t, which is more confusing. the point is—”

 

he blanks.

 

he blanks, mind hyperfocusing on how soft ten’s lips are against his. he’s gotta be wearing chapstick (did he reapply before they’d left the restaurant? lucas didn’t.); there’s a flavor there, something sweet, but not overtly so to where it bothers him. his back is against the tall gate of one of the houses along the road, and he’s never felt more his age than he does now. ten moves to deepen it, part their lips, but lucas waits a second too long and then he’s pulling away, falling back off his toes. everything suddenly feels too loud in the quiet, a dog barking in the vague distance, the tires of the cars passing by. time feels slower, less real.

 

“the point is that you shouldn’t waste your time or your emotions wondering about something that can’t happen.” ten says slowly, not unkind. “i’ve been there, too. it only fucks you up more in the long run.”

 

“then you should know feelings don’t work like that. there isn’t an on and off switch for it.” ten’s already starting to walk again, out from the shadows that hid them. “i still like you!”

 

ten pauses, then turns back to face him. “you won’t even try to change that, will you?”

 

“you shouldn’t have kissed me. my imagination runs too freely.” lucas shrugs.

 

there’s something like amusement in ten’s eyes, but the rest of his face is more serious. “xuxi, be realistic here. what good comes from this?”

 

“i’m happier?” lucas tries, and ten rolls his eyes. “i’d be more focused in practices? there’d be less daydreaming, at least.”

 

“i think you’d be more distracted. you’re pretty bad at focusing as it is.” ten says, and lucas can’t help but pout in response. “oh, don’t do that.”

 

“why? is it too cute? is it making you reconsider?” lucas leans down again, walking closer to him so their faces are close. “say something, hyung.”

 

“you’re annoying,” ten presses a finger against his forehead, pushing him back. “and i cannot stand you.”

 

lucas doesn’t miss a beat. “say something that’s true.”

 

“you’re annoying,” ten sighs. “and it’s cold.”

 

“ _hyung_.”

 

“and, i might think you’re cute. annoying, but cute.” he eventually says.

 

lucas wiggles his brows, “cute enough to risk it all for?”

 

“not even close. i stand by what i said, xuxi. it’s better for the both of us not to get more involved than we already have.” ten says, and lucas knows he’s probably right, no matter how much it hurts his heart. “there’s so much ahead for you, y’know? you filmed _three different videos_ for your debut, and you get to rap in all of them. i don’t want you to get fucked over because i said yes to something knowing that it would potentially ruin you. i don’t want you to get fucked over at all, actually, but i think it goes without saying?”

 

“i think,” lucas slips their hands together again, “that you should give me the rest of this walk to pretend you’re at least considering my offer.”

 

“we’ll be there in under a minute.” ten points out. “and you haven’t offered anything?”

 

lucas presses his hand to his chest, “my heart, obviously. you’re already breaking it by having to ask.”

 

“oh my god,” ten snorts, shaking his head. “you’re really the worst, aren’t you?”

 

“i try.”

 

 

 

 

—

 

 

 

 

 

[ **group chat: n’yes cool teens** ]

 

 

**haechan**

(sent an image)

 

**haechan**

what’s it like freezing ur asses off

because i literally can’t relate!!!!!

 

**mark**

i swear to god i’ll fight you

 

**mark**

(sent an image)

 

**mark**

at least we have COOL scenery from

the SKY  that isn’t just the dirty 

fucking dorms

 

**mark**

WAIT ISN’T THAT MY ROOM

 

**jungwoo**

oh my god.

 

**mark**

GET OUT OF THERE

 

**mark**

I MEAN IT

 

**jungwoo**

hey lucas!

 

**haechan**

you can’t do anything about it!!!!

 

**mark**

I’LL TELL JOHNNY

 

**haechan**

you…wouldn’t…

 

**lucas**

sup jungwoo

 

**mark**

I WON’T HESISTATE BITCH

 

**haechan**

TO BE FAIR YOU HAD MY JACKET

AND I NEEDED IT BACK!!!!!

 

**haechan**

THE ONLY REASON I LINGERED IS

BC YOU AND JAEHYUN CAN’T CLEAN

WORTH SHIT!!!!!

 

**jungwoo**

what are you staring at so intently :O

 

**jungwoo**

i know it’s not this chat LOL

 

**mark**

IF YOU COULD’VE WAITED ANOTHER 

FEW HOURS, I WOULD’VE RETURNED

IT WHEN WE GOT BACK

 

**haechan**

we’re supposed to be packing for la NOW

meaning i needed the jacket…you guessed

it…RIGHT NOW…

 

**mark**

IT’S NOT LIKE YOU EVER DO ANYTHING

WHEN YOU’RE TOLD IN THE FIRST PLACE

 

**mark**

FOR EXAMPLE, YOU’RE STILL IN MY ROOM

 

**mark**

DESPITE ME TELLING YOU TO LEAVE

SEVERAL TEXT BUBBLES AGO

 

**lucas**

just some pics from last night

 

**haechan**

(sent a meme)

 

**haechan**

you’re not my DAD…ugly ass fucking…

doo doo head…

 

**mark**

I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL FIGHT YOU

 

**haechan**

BRING IT BITCH!!!!!!!

 

**mark**

(sent a meme)

 

**haechan**

(sent a meme)

 

**mark**

(sent a meme)

 

**haechan**

(sent a meme)

 

**mark**

(sent a meme)

 

**haechan**

(sent a meme)

 

**mark**

(sent a meme)

 

**haechan**

(sent a meme)

 

**jungwoo**

with ten? :o

 

**mark**

(sent a meme)

 

**haechan**

(sent a meme)

 

**mark**

(sent a meme)

 

**haechan**

(sent a meme)

 

**mark**

(sent a meme)

 

**haechan**

(sent a meme)

 

**lucas**

yeah look

 

**lucas**

(sent an image)

 

**lucas**

power couple of the year am i right

 

**mark**

(sent a meme)

 

**haechan**

(sent a meme)

 

**mark**

(sent a meme)

 

**haechan**

(sent a meme)

 

**haechan**

also lucas…not to be the bearer

of bad news but you have to 

Actually Date to be a power

couple 0_0

 

**mark**

(sent a meme)

 

**mark**

LKJDNFGKJADFNGJKAFNDGJ

RJLGNADJKFGJKANDFGNJK

JDFKNGAKJNFDGJKNAFDGJF

 

**jungwoo**

stop flkgnhsjghj they’re cute though!!

look at those smiles!!!

 

**haechan**

you’re right! but i’m not wrong!

 

**lucas**

y’all fakeasses can laugh now

but what i’m about to tell you 

next…may shock you…

 

**haechan**

is it your early retirement because

we been knew! we’ll recycle your

lines to sicheng hyung!

 

**mark**

can you STOP KFDJLGJKFFDJ

FJKDGNKJDFNGJKNFGKJDFK

 

**mark**

he BREATHED

 

**jungwoo**

haechan’s gonna get kicked

soon isn’t lucas the mod :?

 

**haechan**

oh right…tell us your story king!

my ears are OPEN, my popcorn

is POPPED, and my tea? she’s

starting to get cold…

 

**lucas**

everyone gather round…it’s

best you hear it from me and

not your respective fathers…

 

**lucas**

but last night…ten decided to

accept yukhei christ into his 

life…

 

**lucas**

meaning we kissed and i did

NOT initiate it…the haters (haechan)

said it would NEVER happen…but

to my beliebers…i thank you for the

support.

 

**jungwoo**

WHAT.

 

**mark**

you’re LYING???

 

**jungwoo**

i’ve been sitting by you for like

ELEVEN HOURS and you DIDN’T

SAY A WORD YOU FAKEASS

BITCH??????

 

**jungwoo**

wow…i thought there was only one

fake in this gc but looks like there’s 

TWO!

 

**haechan**

wait guys he’s not done yet!!!!

 

**lucas**

that’s it

 

**haechan**

but you didn’t credit whatever tumblr

post you stole that from?????

 

[ **haechan** has been removed from the chat.]

 

**lucas**

finally some good fucking silence

 

**mark**

hlfjkngdjfngkjafdngfdjgnkdfjlngjnsfdjgk

at least until he blows up your other 

thread with him

 

**lucas**

oh bro that’s been muted since 

december jkngkjdfngkjknlfgl

 

**mark**

ILDAJNGKJAFNGAJKFDKJGAKJFDNG

JDLFNGJKFDNGJKNFDJGJKFDNJGKF

 

**lucas**

jsdfngjkgjkadnfjkgafdkjngkjfdng

djfgbjfyndgjdfnkjgnfdjkalgnjkfd

 

**jungwoo**

OKAY ANY FUCKING WAY WHAT THE 

FUCK YUKHEI???????????????????

????????????????? YOU SAID YOU

GUYS WERE JUST GETTING FOOD

NOT THAT IT WAS A DATE????????

??????????????????????????????

 

**jungwoo**

if the managers weren’t on the row

across from us…the things i would

do to end your life right here…

 

**mark**

O______O

 

**lucas**

as non-threatening as that was

i didn’t know what was up until

literally a few minutes before

he kissed me so…

 

**lucas**

remind me to thank taeyong for

something random soon

 

**jungwoo**

how does taeyong factor in???

 

**lucas**

apparently i’ve been too “obvious”

about my “crushing” and he caught

on, which i think is just fake news 

but!

 

**jungwoo**

o

 

**mark**

o

 

**lucas**

shut up

 

**mark**

add haechan back he’s

begging me for screenshots

 

**lucas**

he hasn’t suffered long enough

and anyway i didn’t send this 

but i think ten already tried to

date someone in the group

 

**lucas**

like i’m just guessing but he was

uh

 

**lucas**

he definitely wasn’t comfortable

with the idea of us even like…

trying anything at ALL and the

way he talked about it seemed 

like stuff he knew from experience

 

**lucas**

that’s not me gossiping that’s me

being actually concerned and low-key

worried but y’know

 

**jungwoo**

omg no :(( 

 

**jungwoo**

he didn’t say any names or

anything did he :?

 

**lucas**

no he doesn’t like drama

 

**jungwoo**

probably didn’t want you getting

any ideas either

 

**mark**

you’d probably find out and go 

straight into questioning mode

 

**mark**

though…you’re probably on to

something…

 

**lucas**

yeah…idk. i don’t know why

i brought it up but it’s been on

my mind? we’ve been texting

since then but i don't wanna

pry or anything because like

i think he might still change

his mind on the dating thing

because he never really said

no???? just that it was a bad

idea?????

 

**lucas**

it doesn’t even have to be formal

dating or anything y’know like at 

this point i would settle for holding

his hand and a kiss every 2.5 months

 

**lucas**

that’s a gay text everyone delete it from

both your phones and your memories

 

**mark**

nah

 

**jungwoo**

absolutely not :P

 

**mark**

i think everything will work

out tho, you’re like, a dork

but whether he changes

his mind or not i doubt

ten’s gonna be cold to you

or anything he’s just Too

Nice to ghost anyone

 

**mark**

also he’d be the one missing

out anyway you’re cool and hip

and funny and stuff 10/10 dateable

dude

 

**jungwoo**

wow mark lee hyping someone that’s

not himself? a super rare occurrence

rt for good luck

 

**mark**

fuck you jungwoo

 

**lucas**

jskafjksdnafkjnsdkjfnj

 

**lucas**

ok i’m adding haechan back

but don’t mention the last bit

bc i REALLY don’t want any 

of this to go farther than us

 

**lucas**

i probably shouldn’t have even

brought up the kissing thing but

it’s not like anyone besides you

guys would believe me LKDJFJ

DFJGNJDKFGKJFDNGJKNFG

 

**mark**

we support you brother !

 

**jungwoo**

just say hyung mark

 

**mark**

#notmyhyung

 

[ **haechan** was added to the chat.]

 

**haechan**

fuck you yukhei i will

NOT BE SILENCED

 

[ **haechan** has been removed from the chat.]

 

 

—

 

being rejected should make lucas’s feelings die down, but knowing that ten likes back him at all makes them double. of course, with their scheduling, it’s rare that he sees him in the dorms outside of the odd breakfast or passing in the halls, and their contact is limited to 2AM threads about how they can’t sleep. he’s glad for all the new things he gets to try out, as well as the countdown between the boss mv teaser dropping and their first recording getting smaller and smaller, but sometimes he misses the quieter lulls when he had time to think about things that weren’t sleep.

 

he gets told about the vlive in the middle of practicing the choreo to boss, which means he’s only got a half an hour to shower and look decent enough for the camera but relaxed enough to where it seems like they’d decided it spontaneously. ten, yuta, and sicheng are already gathered in the library by the time he joins them, and it feels a bit like a sign that there’s an open seat between ten and sicheng. he greets them all, trying not to linger too long on ten, and hides his grin as their knees bump under the table.

 

“your hair’s too messy.” ten moves his fringe around a bit, not thinking twice about the contact. “and it needs to be dyed again, too. are you avoiding the stylists on purpose?”

 

“it grows fast,” he says, though it comes out more like a whine. “i can’t keep up.”

 

“baby,” ten sticks his tongue out.

 

“play nice, children.” sicheng chides.

 

it’s the first real face-to-face interaction they’ve had in what feels like months, but it’s only been about a week or two. regardless, it makes lucas greedy for more, but then the camera’s turning on and the next thing he knows ten’s swapping seats with yuta. _his shirt doesn’t pick up on camera well_ , is what he says, but it feels like something else until he starts picking at him from across the table, their eyes catching easier from this angle. maybe ten doesn’t hate him after all.

 

all in all, he thinks the broadcast goes well. he’s surprised by the amount of comments that were directed at him specifically, the realization that there’s hundreds of thousands of people watching him now sinking in, but he’s not too worried about it. the room clears out after a few minutes pass and then it’s just him, pretending to look at the books while ten talks to their teacher. eventually she leaves, too, and he can feel ten’s eyes on his back from across the room, staring him down.

 

“you’re not subtle.”

 

lucas calls over his shoulder, “i just want a good book to read.”

 

“then maybe you should leave the magazine section?” ten prompts, and lucas’s cheeks warm. “what are you really doing, xuxi?”

 

“i just wanted to talk, that’s all. i promise.” lucas says, but he’s not sure if he entirely means it. 

 

ten leans against the shelf, though he’s still at a distance. “we talk practically every night.”

 

“about something that’s not our messed up sleep schedules, for once.”

 

“like?”

 

“like, i dunno. ever catch up with that drama you were watching? did you see what johnny and mark were bickering about in the group chat this morning? have you thought more about what happened in ukraine? kun learned some new magic tricks, has he shown them to you yet?” lucas pulls out of the magazines, flipping through it idly. “um, chenle and i are coming up with more inside jokes, do you wanna hear one of those?”

 

ten sighs, “xuxi…”

 

“i know you said it wasn’t worth the risk, and i get that. i think it’s nice of you to protect my career before it even really starts, and i appreciate it, i do.” he manages to stop on of a spread with ten on it, which only makes speaking even harder, so he switches to thai. it’s probably for the best, in case someone’s listening in. “but i haven’t stopped thinking about the kiss, and how much i’d like for it to happen again, so i think you’ve created more of a problem rather than solving it.”

 

there’s a pause before ten says, “fuck, you’re serious.”

 

“a little,” lucas replies, and ten puts his head in his hands. “i’d say it’s not your fault, but it kind of is. plus, what was with all those xuxi’s in the broadcast? you know we’re supposed to use stage names on camera.”

 

“i’ve always called you xuxi. i’m not used to saying lucas yet.” ten frowns a little, “and yuta did it too!”

 

lucas shrugs, “yuta’s not _you_.”

 

“oh my god,” ten groans. he’s back to having his face in his hands. “don’t say things like that. don’t say _anything,_ really.”

 

lucas stares, wordlessly.

 

“i may have messed up a bit. just a little. but it’s still fixable. we just have to find someone else for you to crush on.” ten says after a moment passes. “preferably, someone we don’t live under the same roof as. even more preferable, someone who’s not under our label. who’s your favorite girl group again?”

 

“i like twice, but not like that.”

 

“not yet, at least. you’ve gotta like at least _one_ of them.” ten takes him by the wrist, pulling him along, “c’mon, we’ll miss the ride back to the dorms.”

 

lucas pulls back, “no, i wanna settle this now.”

 

“xuxi—”

 

“i don’t know if something’s happened in the past that’s got you all frazzled over nothing, but whatever it is, it’s not me. so i’d like it if you put that aside for a moment, and just think about the two of us and this specific situation.” lucas says. “i’m not asking for anything serious. i just want to be with you, dude, for as little or as long as you want me around. we don’t even have to go on dates, or kiss, or anything overtly romantic.”

 

ten raises a brow, “that’s basically a friendship. what you are describing to me is friendship.”

 

“yeah, but i’d know that it’s not entirely platonic because you _do_ want to kiss me and you _do_ want to go on dates, and you probably want to do a bunch of mushy shit but we can’t and i understand that. i’d be happy with that.” lucas tells him. “if you turn me down right now, then i’ll respect that and start the process of moving on. but what you told me back then wasn’t for me. that was something someone else probably told you, and i want your own words on this. on us, rather.”

 

ten looks at him for a long time. then he sighs again, “xuxi—”

 

“wait, one more thing.” he’s kind of scared of what comes next. “if you’re worried about…sex, or something, then you should know—”

 

“jesus,” ten wheezes, “no. not even close to being on the top of the list of my concerns.”

 

“oh,” lucas says. “well, you should still know i’m not a virgin, whether that makes a difference or not. i mean, not entirely, but i have experience in certain things.”

 

ten starts to reply, but then one of the managers bursts into the library, scolding them both for keeping everyone else waiting as she pushes them into the hall and out the doorway. he’s sure they pass a few of the older, more established artists along the way but he’s too anxious to be embarrassed at being treated like a kid. he shouldn’t have brought it up, but it was the first thing that came to his mind. he may have sounded ready for every outcome, but he wasn’t feeling so confident about being okay with having to walk out rejected yet again and still have to sit near him in the half-hour car ride back to the dorms. hell, doing it now and not knowing what his answer would be was nerve-wrecking enough.

 

sicheng carries a very one-sided conversation with him for most on the ride, and every time he looks over at ten he’s either deeply invested in his phone or talking to yuta. that’s fine, he thinks, counting the minutes in his head. everything is fine, everything will be fine. it’s a mantra that only works for so long, especially after getting a very ominous _meet me in my room later_ text from ten a few minutes after they get into the dorm, but taeyong wants to go over some stuff he’s been fucking up in boss and then kun’s complaining about his side of the room being messy, and then it’s dinner time and then he’s bickering with chenle over who got to the shower first and then—

 

 

**ten**

still up?

 

 

it’s a little after midnight now, which means all the sensible people have fallen asleep, his roommate included. still, he can’t help but feel a little weird tip toeing through the hall, careful not to be too noisy and accidentally alert anyone to the fact he’s not where he should be. he can hear jaehyun and mark lowly through their door, as well as taeil’s voice echoing in the shower. doyoung beats on the wall until he stops.

 

he’s only been inside ten’s room one other time, when he had to wake him up because they were running late to get somewhere, but the atmosphere feels so different now. the boy himself is sitting on the edge of his bed, changed into a pair of what looks like very comfortable spaceship pajama bottoms and a tank top. once the door’s closed he pats the space beside him, and lucas may or may not drag out the walk there just to see him laugh again.

 

still, they’re probably about to have the most serious conversation they might ever have in their entire relationship, and so once the laughing stop the insecurities start to sink in. ten’s going to say he’s weird, weird for liking someone older, weird for being so brazen all the time, weird because he kisses funny and his lips are too big and his laugh is annoying and he’s not as attractive as he thinks he is. he’ll say that he’s too childish and immature, and what was he even thinking, trying to date a group member when he could probably have anyone else in the world that was actually an option? _you don’t think,_ he’ll say, _you never think these things through because you’re too impulsive and never consider the consequences_.

 

ten starts with, “you were right.”

 

“about what?”

 

“there was…someone else. but it doesn’t matter who, or what happened because it was nearly a lifetime ago, and we’ve both changed since then. what matters is how i chose to move forward, yeah?” ten takes his hand. “i like you, xuxi. more than i should, and i feel terrible about it because i know better than to lead you on like this, pretending we could have more than what we already do. but you’re really, really the worst at making this easy on either of us.”

 

lucas nods, “i’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing.”

 

“both, probably. the point is, if you’re that determined to try, then i don’t see that much harm in entertaining your fantasies for awhile.” ten says. “or my own, i guess.”

 

he doesn’t breathe. he doesn’t think he blinks, either. “really?”

 

“lean forward and i’ll prove it.”

 

this time, he’s expecting it when their lips press together, though it’s no less satisfying. their hands stay locked together, but lucas uses his free one to cup ten’s face, running his thumb along his jaw. the heat between them feels electric, and when ten moves to deepen the kiss he’s ready, letting his tongue part his lips with ease. it feels natural, kissing him, and he’d easily choose do it forever if he didn’t know there wasn’t a world out there waiting for them to take over. their teeth clash a few times and ten laughs, pulling away and letting their foreheads rests together. 

 

they stay like that for awhile, occasionally going back for another kiss, but there’s a lot of long, heated gazes between them when they aren’t attached at the mouth and it doesn’t feel as strange as it should. ten’s just got such a nice face it feels wrong _not_ to stare at it sometimes, and when he whispers this sentiment ten just laughs again, eyes crinkling. lucas thinks, maybe, in another lifetime, he could’ve allowed himself to really fall for ten. but he’s also not sure he’s strong enough to stop himself from doing it in this one.

 

“are you my boyfriend now, hyung?” he asks later, having moved to laying on his back. ten’s tucked into his side, fitting naturally, and it’s going to be extremely hard to drag himself away in a moment. they both need sleep, and they won’t get any like this. “do i get to say ten without the formality now?”

 

“i honestly don’t think that’s stopped you before, but sure. i’m your boyfriend, for now.” ten yawns. “oh, god. that means you’re _my_ boyfriend.”

 

lucas scoffs, “i think i’m boyfriend material.”

 

“you’re something else. something much more…yourself.” ten tells him, rolling out of reach. “go sleep in your own bed. you’re taking up too much space in mine with your unnaturally long limbs.”

 

“you like them,” lucas hums, pressing one more kiss to his lips. “you like me.”

 

“maybe so. but i like sleep more.” ten says, pushing him away with his foot. “we need to talk more about this before you run and tell your friends. there needs to be ground rules, boundaries. we have to discuss who all we want knowing.”

 

he nods, “so, same time tomorrow night?”

 

“let’s not make it a habit,” ten says, but he’s smiling.

 

 

 

—

 

 

[ **group chat: n’yes cool teens** ]

 

**mark**

has anyone seen my charger

 

**haechan**

you know no one in this chat

has an android but you .

 

**mark**

so does that mean you don’t have

eyes? you can’t see it because

you can’t use it?

 

**haechan**

all i’m saying is, you could’ve pm’d

this to taeil instead of wasting my time

when you KNOW yukhei has been

m.i.a. for like an hour.

 

**jungwoo**

for once…he’s right? > <

 

**mark**

WOW

 

**haechan**

thanks jungwoo i’ll remember this

and cherish it forever uwu

 

**jungwoo**

uwu

 

**mark**

WOW……………..

 

**lucas**

back!

 

**lucas**

uwu uwu

 

**jungwoo**

uwu uwu

 

**haechan**

uwu uwu

 

**mark**

uwu uwu

 

**lucas**

so we’ve decided to go with pastels

for our wedding colors, he’s gonna 

hand draw the invites. me, you ask?

i’ll just stand there, uwu-ing my heart

out…

 

**haechan**

CAN YOU JUST SAY WHATEVER

YOU’RE TRYING TO SAY IT’S BEEN

THREE DAYS OF YOUR VAGUE 

TEXTING

 

**lucas**

shut up or my boyfriend will make

you shut up

 

**mark**

WAIT

 

**jungwoo**

WAIT…

 

**haechan**

your Whomst,

 

**lucas**

;)

 

**mark**

GFCGVHJBJNKJLNLJKN

RVHBJNJKKLMLM;LKLM

TGFGHKJNKLML;M;KKJH

 

**jungwoo**

(sent a meme)

 

**haechan**

YOUR WHOMST.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was my first nct fic AND (mostly) canon compliant one so i hope i did everything justice? the second half of this fic will have the more adult content (hence the rating). i hope you enjoyed! ;____;
> 
> (also feel free to follow me [@yuktenbot](http://twitter.com/yuktenbot) on twitter for more of my rambling/updates/to tell me i'm cool or w/e.)


	2. (lay all your love on me)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which lucas has doubts and ten is extremely soft until he's not!

for the most part, nothing changes.

 

their priorities are still the same—they have an album to promote, and they need each performance to go off without a hitch. lucas gets pulled away for _yestoday_ filming at some point in the following week and when he’s not practicing he’s stretching or working out, finding time for food and rest when he can. there’s a tightness in his waist that’s starting to form, but he doesn’t think much of it. everything is going the way it should be, and that’s all that really matters to the higher ups at the moment. he’d only say something to his manager if it got to be too unbearable.

 

still, he thinks, there are the little things in the days that make all his stresses fade. like when he gets back to his room and there’s a drawing from ten under his pillow. like when he sends random tidbits from his day into the group chat and they all sort of complain together while exchanging fitting memes. like when he walks into the dorm and one of the hyungs has already made dinner, shoving the plate into his hands and encouraging him to eat before telling him to wash dishes. like when he gets a random call from his mother and doesn’t have to hit ‘ignore’ because he’s busy, and they catch up for at least an hour before one of them has to leave.

 

like when he’s stretched out in ten’s bed, eyes fluttering closed as the older boy cards his fingers through his hair.

 

it’s probably the fifth time he’s slipped into ten’s room over the last week or so, a claim of being unable to rest on his tongue the first few times but now ten’s started to expect him around the same hour, big puppy brown eyes batting shamelessly as he falls over next to him. lucas would consider ten’s room an extension of his own at this point, what with various pieces of his attire strewn across chairs or tucked away in ten’s closet. they’ve put some of their figurines together to display over ten’s desk, grouping by height and show rather than which one belongs to whom. he’s even set up his speakers he’d brought from home in there, still shitty as ever but he doesn’t want to let them go so ten makes it a point to use them when he can.

 

they’re moving fast for a relationship that’s lifespan is barely at three weeks, sure, but in situations like this going slow could never be enough for either of them. lucas is all in for this relationship _because_ he knows that at any moment, it could stop whether they wanted it to or not. he doesn’t want to live his life with regret. he wants to make the best out of their luck and show ten that while this isn’t the most ideal relationship, it’s something uniquely them, something that they have and no one else does and that’s more than enough to keep him satisfied (despite the moments where he wants nothing more than to show off the person he openly adores to the world). if he could get ten to see things the way he does, then he doesn’t think he’d worry about anything ever again.

 

but ten is a realist, and every day that they don’t get called out is another day on borrowed time. there are moments when lucas can get him to put on the rose-colored glasses and see that things aren’t as dire as they might feel, but every night ends still ends with the same spiel about curbing his enthusiasm or how people are always watching, and lucas is starting to sort of hate him for it.

 

“it’s getting late,” he says eventually, just when lucas is on the brink of rem sleep. “you should head back.”

 

“your bed is so much more comfortable, though. and there’s a you in it, too.” lucas whines. he doesn’t need to be facing his boyfriend to know he’s rolling his eyes. “let me stay just this once?”

 

ten sighs, shifting in the bed. “you know exactly why we can’t do that.”

 

“doesn’t mean i won’t ask,” lucas says. “you know, tomorrow is valentine’s day.”

 

“and?”

 

“oh, don’t pretend like you’re not remotely excited. when’s the last time you had a valentine?” he rolls over, facing ten. his hair needs to be re-dyed, but it still frames his bare face nicely. he’s shirtless, not for any particular reason, but because it makes him comfortable like the glasses that sit across the bridge of his nose, and it’s not like lucas will complain anyway. and despite the negativity that falls too often for comfort from his lips, lucas is still entirely smitten with his boyfriend every time he sees him. “i think i was like, eleven, and this girl gave me one of those candy necklaces. not my preferred thing, but i wasn’t gonna break her heart or anything over it.”

 

ten rolls his eyes again, “so no one after that?”

 

“i mean, no one that really mattered. girls always kind of fluttered around me in school, but i never paid it much attention. one guy, when i was still a trainee, got me this video game i’d been saving up for, but i think it was more because he owed me and it was on sale.”

 

“hm,” the older boy props his head on his hand, squishing his own cheek. “somehow, i find that hard to believe, mr. ‘i’m-not-entirely-a-virgin’.”

 

lucas’ face is quick to flush. they hadn’t really discussed that, not since it slipped out back in the study room, and it only figures ten would bring it up solely to mock him. “that’s different!”

 

“how so?”

 

“it just is!” he huffs. “i mean, you’re the first person i’ve ever really dated, anyway. everything’s different.”

 

ten’s brows raise, _“really?”_

 

“not that i haven’t had like, boyfriends and girlfriends before, but it wasn’t like this. not where i’m silently mapping out the future and keeping my fingers crossed i don’t wake up from whatever dream realm i’ve fallen into.” lucas says, noting the way his boyfriend chuckles. “so what, i’m _cheesy_ , you signed up for this.”

 

“you’re a mess, you know.” ten hums. “but i’ll indulge you because i’m curious. what kind of future are you envisioning for us, hm?”

 

if he’s honest, there’s two very specific futures for the two of them that he’s been letting float around in his head. the first one’s kind of the usual standard: a few more years like this, making names for themselves for their talent and artistry while keeping their private lives as private as possible until the country and music industry becomes progressive enough to publicly and proudly accept a relationship like theirs, to accept an openly and unapologetic gay man like holland, to accept all people who fall under the lgbt’s many categories. then once they eventually reach disbandment age they can move somewhere nice, maybe get married and adopt a kid or three and just be happy like every other couple in the world.

 

(the other future has lucas and ten on two separate paths, barely pausing to exchange words with one another. it’s not his favorite thought in the world.)

 

what lucas ends up saying, however, is just, “something nice. i think we’ve gotten a little off track, though. tell me about your ol’ valentines.”

 

ten shrugs, “i don’t know if i’ve ever really had one. like, we did the candy exchange thing in school, but it was like you just brought enough for the whole class and sometimes people would get extra? but i never did, or i never noticed.”

 

“if we dated in high school, i would’ve gotten you one of those gigantic teddy bears and all the chocolate you could eat. maybe even some flowers, to spice it up.” lucas says. “then i’d drag you out for coffee or wherever you wanted to go and we’d just enjoy the afternoon together until my mom started frantically texting me to get home.”

 

he snorts a little, bumping his glasses with his hand. “you really need to go to bed.”

 

“you’re only saying that because you like the idea of being pampered,” in an act of defiance, he tangles his legs with ten’s under the blanket, burrowing further in the covers. “my baby ten, getting all the attention he’s been craving but too afraid to ask for…”

 

ten kicks at his thigh, “i’m warning you, xuxi. don’t push your luck.” 

 

“give me a kiss and i’ll _consider_ leaving.”

 

“how about either i’ll give you a kiss and you leave like i asked or you can stay here but not be kissed for an entire week?”

 

lucas gasps, “you wouldn’t.”

 

“i think you’re forgetting that i haven’t kissed or dated anyone in like, two years prior to this. it’d be a walk in the park. my resolve is strong.” ten sticks out his tongue. “you, however, are young and weak—”

 

“screw you,” lucas pouts, pressing their lips together. it’s slow and soft, though it only makes him want more when ten pulls away with lucas’ bottom lip between his teeth. “you’re awful.”

 

ten taps the younger boy’s nose with his index finger, “awfully yours, i’m afraid. now go rest up before your schedule.”

 

with great reluctance does lucas remove himself from the bed, pouting the entire time he makes his way to the door. ten doesn’t bend, though, waiting for lucas’s hand to wrap around the knob before prompting shutting off the bedside lamp that had been their only source of light. his boyfriend fades into the shadows, though streaks of moonlight peak in through the curtains and blinds, and lucas lets out another long, deep sigh before leaving the room.

 

making his way down the hall to his own room, he starts to wonder if he should’ve put kun on his need-to-know list, but as cool as his roommate is he’s not quite sure how the scales would tip in his favor if he expanded his list any more. the n.c.t. group chat had been his go-to since they already knew about his crush in the first place, and ten had been fine with that, listing taeyong, johnny, and jaehyun for his own. the only reason he’d tell kun about it is mostly because he’d like to give the guy a reason for his occasional covering for lucas when someone comes looking. or so he doesn’t sound like he has digestion problems every time he sneaks back into his room and accidentally wakes kun, the quick lie of that he’d gone to the bathroom always slipping through his lips without a second thought.

 

he’s so deep in his thoughts and doing the usual auto piloting on his body that when he bumps into something that’s too bony to be a wall he’s thrown off entirely, scrambling for the hall light in case someone’s broken in. of course, all it does is irritate his eyes and make yuta hiss in response, quickly shutting them back off and dragging him by his nightshirt into the bathroom. he looks…well, if he’s honest, yuta looks like he’s been fucking, but that’s neither here nor there and it’s not like he’s one to talk in the first place.

 

“why are you up?” he whispers, voice hoarse. “don’t you have a schedule in like, three hours?”

 

lucas tries his out his usual. “uh, i was going to the bathroom?”

 

“no, you were coming from a room. plus, you don’t even have sleep lines.” yuta eyes him carefully, “you haven’t even gotten an hour in, have you?”

 

he deflects. “i mean, i could ask you the same questions here, hyung. it’s not like you’re even supposed to _be_ on this end of the hallway.”

 

“you know what? maybe we should both pretend we didn’t see each other. this engagement never happened.” yuta says quickly, going for the door again. “goodnight, lucas.”

 

the door shuts, and lucas is left with an infinite amount of questions with no answers in sight.

 

 

—

 

 

he barely gets in two hours of rest before the manager comes in and alerts him that he needs to be ready within the next twenty minutes. it’s not an impossible task, but it damn near feels like one once the weight of not sleeping hits him upon leaving his bed. lucas pushes through it however, eventually following behind mark with a yawn as they grab poptarts from the counter and follow taeyong and doyoung out of the front door. they’ve got to finish up the last mv’s filming before the valentine’s event they have scheduled later in the evening, so time is crucial. it’s mostly just close ups to fill in parts of the fake one-take but after the past month or so he knows things that should be easy are always the hardest.

 

(he spends most of the car ride factoring the schedule with what he _wants_ to do with the day, and finds himself with a reasonably block of free time after their mini fanmeeting. ten, hopefully, will be a little more lenient with their evening for the occasion, though lucas will settle with pretty much any time spent together at this point. he misses their time in ukraine.)

 

still, they knock his stuff out first, surprisingly, so he ends up with a little time to kill. it’s barely eight in the morning by then, so he’s not expecting much response from the group chat but it’s always nice to get his thoughts out there. 

 

[ **group chat: #Lucas1stWin** ]

 

 

**lucas**

wait who changed the gc name

tfgvhvcgjhh i worked so HARD

for the other acronym!!!

 

**jungwoo**

uhhhh pretty sure it was

haechan but i think this

one is fitting too!! ^__^

 

**jungwoo**

shouldn’t you be like…

not on your phone tho

 

**lucas**

the rules will bend and break for

me personally actually

 

**lucas**

jdfgjk but really tho i’m done for 

right now i’m sure they’ll wanna

reshoot or something in a bit 

 

**lucas**

why are YOU up?

**jungwoo**

i’m always up this early!

someone has to make

food around here!!!

 

**lucas**

i always thought it was like. one

of the hyungs but i guess this

makes more sense

 

**lucas**

ANYWAY it is valentine’s day so

you know what that means…

 

**haechan**

it’s also barely even morning

STOP BLOWING UP MY PHONE

JUST TAKE IT TO THE PMS!!!!

 

**lucas**

no

 

**lucas**

as i was saying, you know what

that means…

 

**jungwoo**

morning haechan uwu

 

**jungwoo**

what exactly does it mean :?

 

**haechan**

oh my god HE’S GOING TO 

TRY TO FUCK TEN GET IT

TOGETHER JUNGWOO!!!

 

**haechan**

sometimes i wonder what 

your life was like before us.

 

**jungwoo**

mostly peaceful!

 

**lucas**

i hate this fucking family

 

**jungwoo**

rlly tho are you gonna ???

or are you hoping??? have

you and ten even talked about

all of that :?

 

**haechan**

also if you guys wake me up

i WILL murder you both. just so

you know in advance!

**lucas**

GOD

 

**lucas**

and no we haven’t ~formally~

discussed it but since when

did you need to like. Plan Sex

 

**haechan**

have you never heard of planned

parenthood?

 

**lucas**

neither of us can get pregnant?

 

**haechan**

the POINT IS that people DO plan

to have sex idiot and that YOU of

all people should be one of them

 

**haechan**

it hasn’t even been a month and 

you’re already going dick crazy…

have you forgotten about the fact

that um…YOU LIVE IN A DORM?

WITH OTHER PEOPLE WHO

DON’T KNOW??? HEWWO???

 

**lucas**

i mean. not to name names but

i think someone’s been doing

SOMEONE already and it’s not

me! or ten!

 

**haechan**

WAIT WHAT?????????????

 

**jungwoo**

omg!

 

**lucas**

like i said i’m not naming names

but i definitely saw something that

i probably should not have last night

 

**lucas**

and whether said person had bedhead

or sex hair is just completely up in the air

but with the secrecy i’m assuming SEX

 

**haechan**

you’re really gonna say all this

and not tell us who huh

**lucas**

ya

**haechan**

fuck you

**lucas**

i’ll pass!

 

**jungwoo**

regardless…isn’t it a little…well…

i guess interesting??? that you’re 

not the only person keeping a secret

like this in the group???

 

**lucas**

well, let’s be honest for minute

here: we aren’t really allowed

to interact with girls and so it’s

kind of natural that we’d turn to

boys since we’re like. all boys ™

in the dorms

 

**lucas**

not that that makes our sexualities

any less valid or anything! just that

it doesn’t really surprise me personally

 

**lucas**

personally i think we’re ALL a little gay

whether we admit to it or not, should

circumstance be taken out all together

 

**haechan**

i don’t LIKE you being logical

 

**jungwoo**

it is a very out of character take

for you i think :0 but i also think

you’re probably right…

 

**jungwoo**

considering…

 

**haechan**

what he’s TRYING to say is that

the moment this gc was created

neo city became population: gay!

 

**haechan**

but then again things were also

pretty gay before either of you came

along so…

 

**lucas**

it’s been so long tho since we all

had a nice crush dump session

 

**lucas**

obviously i’ve won this game but

still! i want y’all to find love too 

 

**jungwoo**

actually i have a confession to make

that may be @__@ enducing but 

SOMEONE told me that they might

have a crush on Someone…

 

**haechan**

jungwoo i will literally end your LIFE

 

**lucas**

HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL

ME???????????????????

 

**haechan**

it’s nothing! i’m going back to bed BYE

:-)))))))))))))))))

 

**mark**

wait what?????????? SPILL????????????

 

**haechan**

[REST.]

 

 

 

 

“what’s so interesting?”

 

“huh?” lucas’s head snaps up to lock eyes with taeyong, “oh, sorry hyung. did you want something?”

 

taeyong takes the seat next to him, “not really. just a little curious about what’s got your face doing…weird shit, i guess.”

 

“oh, it’s nothing, just something someone said that i’ll have to figure out later.” lucas tucks his phone away, leaning back on the bench. “what’s new with you, though? i feel like we should talk more, what with with all the…you know, i guess.”

 

“i agree,” taeyong nods. “which is why i think it’s in my best interest to tell you this is a very bad idea if you have any hopes of doing anything on the same scale as mark.”

 

lucas blinks, “what?”

 

“i’m not saying this to be mean, or because i’m jealous of you guys or anything. that relationship is a liability to not only yourselves, but the rest of the group as a whole.” taeyong says. he doesn’t look at lucas, but off in the distance. at mark, who’s laughing at something doyoung’s messed up while the cameras reset. “you’re risking your own careers for sure, but think about what could happen to the rest of us, or your eventual subunit members. the news won’t focus on just you two, y’know. it’ll make every one of us be questioned about it. do you think it’s okay if everyone suffers because of what you two are doing?”

 

“i didn’t think of it like that,” he stares at his feet. “it’s not like we’re doing anything crazy, anyway.”

 

“a dating scandal _is_ crazy. amongst two group members of the same sex is nighttime news headlining story.” taeyong shakes his head. “i know you’re still young, but it’s not like this is your first time thinking of something like this. you can’t be that oblivious.”

 

lucas scoffs, “i’m not oblivious for wanting to take a risk. and if you’re so concerned about it, why don’t you talk to ten?”

 

“he could never tell you no.”

 

“he has no problem doing it any other time,” lucas folds his arms.

 

taeyong sighs, “ten is…he doesn’t always think these things through. he likes you a lot, and when he gets himself set on something it’s very hard for him to let go. that’s why i’m talking to you, not even as your friend, but as your leader right now. you need to rethink this and see if it’s really worth all you’re risking for it.”

 

“of course it is,” lucas says. “he’s worth everything.”

 

“worth wasting all your years of training? worth ruining both of your images, as well as the image of the company itself? worth ten’s hard work going down the drain when he’s barely even started to show the world what he can do since he was injured?” taeyong asks. “maybe it’s because you haven’t officially debuted yet, but the fans will turn against you in a heartbeat. the whisper of a negative rumor makes them not trust you, and you have to work a very, very long time to gain it back even if you apologize before shit hits the fan. but something like this would be extremely hard to come back from if were to get out.”

 

he feels it, the doubts starting to build up in his head again, but he tamps it down. “it won’t get out.”

 

“you don’t know that.” taeyong says.

 

“i don’t,” lucas stands, stretching his arms over his head. “but i’d know exactly who to confront about it if it ever did.”

 

the director calls taeyong over shortly after that, but the damage is already done. by the time mark’s crossing the room to take the elder boy’s place lucas is telling his manager that he’s stepping outside for some fresh air, taking long strides until he gets his hands on the door and he can forcefully push it open and step through it. it’s a nice day, he thinks while pacing, with the sun high and warming his skin against the chills of late winter. a perfect valentine’s day, were he anyone else in the world. but because he’s himself, he must again and again compromise his happiness for his dreams. that’s what everyone expects of him. that’s what they all want, so he can never once be selfish.

 

he grips the railing between his hands, squeezing it tightly enough that it groans a little under his weight. he takes in a few long, deep breathes, focuses in on the sounds of the distant birds and cars whizzing by. maybe this was just some kind of fucked up test—maybe taeyong just didn’t think he was deserving of someone like ten. maybe he _was_ jealous. they weren’t close enough for lucas to pick apart his mind with certainty, and yet taeyong had pressed down on his biggest vulnerability at the moment with ease. it’s not even like he doesn’t get it, because he does. taeyong looks out for the group not only because he’s the leader, but because he’s a _good_ one, and despite his aggression he’s only brought this up because he cares.

 

lucas wants to appreciate it. he wants to walk back inside, apologize for his thinly veiled threat, and show that he’s ready to be a team player. he wants to be the guy that everyone else wants him to be, the one that might not get everything that he wants but close enough to it where he’d be content.he wants to be able to make all the right choices and do the conventionally right things, but then his phone buzzes and when he unlocks it and sees the stupid selfie of himself and ten being stupid in ten’s stupid bed his heart melts and he knows that even if it’s selfish and wrong he can’t let this go. not now. 

 

so he collects himself, then re-enters the building and avoids taeyong’s eyes. he lets mark talk his ear off about whatever game he’d been playing while they do the final checks, and he tries to think of ways to make things better before they get worse on the way home, tucked into the corner of the van with his earphones shoved in and his eyes off in the distance.

 

 

—

 

 

“he said that?”

 

jungwoo’s sitting in the desk chair, spinning himself in circles while haechan leans against the wall and mark types away on his phone at the other end of lucas’s bed. kun, conveniently, had somewhere else to be at the same moment they’d gathered in the room for their brief, pre-event meeting after their dispatch photoshoot. “more or less so. and i know he has a point, but—”

 

“that was a really shitty way to go about it,” haechan huffs. “it’s not like you’ve _murdered_ someone.”

 

lucas hesitates, and then says, “the way you said that makes me think someone _has_ been killed.”

 

“i’m not a snitch. you’d never get me to confirm or deny it.” he responds, all while mark shakes his head in disbelief. “regardless, i think you and taeyong hyung need to need to clear all that up before we go back out in public. nctzens eat up negative energy faster than you’d believe.”

 

“i don’t even think i can meet his eyes without lashing out right now.” lucas sighs, running his hand through his hair. hopefully it bounce back into the style it’d been placed in fifteen minutes ago. “i get what he means, but it makes me feel so…stupid? for even trying to find one little sliver of hope that things will go okay. i _know_ this relationship has a realistic lifespan of two, maybe three months. i know that, but i still want to get all the way there, you know?”

 

mark pats his shoulder, “no one said any of this was easy, dude. it’s a tough call you’re gonna have to make on your own.”

 

“yeah, like we can give your our opinions, but ultimately, this is going to be a decision you have to make for yourself.” the chair squeaks as jungwoo stops spinning. “but no matter what, we’ll always have your back!”

 

“except for when you’re being shitty,” haechan adds. “then we have to bully you until you’re not being shitty again.”

 

there’s a knock at the door before ten’s head pops in, smile slipping a little at the sight of so many unexpected boys. “oh, sorry, if you guys are—“

 

“no, no, it’s fine! we were just leaving anyway, right?” jungwoo stands up, mark following behind them. haechan just gives jungwoo a long look of defiance before falling in line, then they’re pushing past into the hallway just as someone calls out they’ve got fifteen until they need to leave. ten closes the door behind him, and lucas quietly takes in how soft and sweet he looks in his pink sweater that clings to him in all the right spots. it’s a baby pink shade that almost matches his baby blue coat, and also brings out the natural rosiness in ten’s cheeks. in another timeline, they’d be going on a real date tonight instead of entertaining fans, but he supposes as long as he gets to have ten at the end of the night to himself then he doesn’t mind it. he likes greeting fans, anyway, and he could use a little confidence boost after the whole incident prior to filming.

 

a part of him even expects ten to say something about it, as if taeyong hasn’t been bustling around the dorm doing god knows what since they got back a few hours ago. plus, it’s not like taeyong to gossip in the first place—he’s supposed to be in charge of keeping the group together and cohesive, not tearing it apart. he pats the spot next to him on his bed and ten rolls his eyes but obliges, only for lucas to wrap him into a hug and pull him close.

 

“you’re going to kill me,” ten laughs, gently squeezing lucas’s arm that’s tight around his upper body. “know your strength, asshole.”

 

“i could benchpress you, probably. that’s kind of cute.” he presses a kiss to the top of ten’s head before letting him go, but ten doesn’t move far away, just adjusts himself and lays back in lucas’s lap so they can see each other. “what’s up?”

 

ten shrugs, “just thought i should pop in before we have to go, as a good boyfriend might want to see his boyfriend on valentine’s day.”

 

“aw, you remembered! did you get me anything?” lucas bats his eyes, much to ten’s amusement. “my gift is a little harder to wrap, but—”

 

“haechan already told me about your awful idea and threatened my life if we decided to be too loud. which, by the way, is a terrible way to wake someone up. he just stood over me until i said ok.”

 

lucas raises a brow, “you’re not going to turn me down?”

 

“did you expect me to?” ten counters.

 

“well, yeah. you don’t even let me sleep in your bed yet, and i get _extremely_ cuddle afterwards.” lucas says. 

 

ten shakes his head, “i don’t let you sleep in my bed because you have a roommate who is not the dumbest person in the world, xuxi. it’d be one thing if you slept in my bed every few weeks or so, because that happens with homesickness and stuff, but you’re aiming for almost every night and it’s not realistic. and you’re a _terrible_ liar, on top of that.”

 

“such sweet words.” lucas huffs.

 

“maybe just tell kun you’re crashing with mark and haechan to binge watch shitty movies or something. at least they can cover you ass better than he would should something come up and you’re needed earlier than usual.” ten plays with the bottom of his sweater as he speaks, “i know i might seem like an ass but i’m just worried, y’know? it’s not a great look for either of us to be sneaking around like this behind everyone’s backs in the first place.”

 

taeyong’s words come flying back into his mind. _that relationship is a liability to not only yourselves, but the rest of the group as a whole._ “maybe we should just tell everyone, then.”

 

“funny,” ten snorts, but lucas doesn’t join in. “please don’t tell me your serious.”

 

“a secret is best kept when it’s no longer a secret. if everyone in the dorm knows about it, then we don’t have to worry about lying to them, or sneaking around when it’s late.” lucas says. “it’s a risk, yeah, but it’s better than half of them knowing and half of them not. kind of like favoritism, in a way.”

 

ten frowns a little, “a secret is a secret _because_ so few people know about it, xuxi.”

 

“sure, but what good’s a secret if all it’s going to do is cause conflict internally? we may as well tell the managers at this rate, because at least then they can be ready to do damage control for the inevitable fight that’ll break out.”

 

“what conflict?” ten asks.

 

“nothing,” lucas looks away, towards the door. “don’t worry about it. i just think we should consider being more open about this so we can avoid it blowing up as big in the future.”

 

ten reaches for his face, pushing it so their eyes meet again. “hey, talk to me. what conflict?”

 

“it’s nothing important, i swear. i’ll figure it out myself.” he says. the last thing he wants to do is bring ten in the middle of it.

 

“alright,” ten says, but it doesn’t sound like he means it. he sits up as he continues, “let’s talk about the other thing later, then. there’s a lot to consider when telling more people than we already have.”

 

“do you mean like, later tonight or—”

 

ten only lets out a defeated sigh, “y’know, sometimes i can almost forget that you’re just newly out of your teens, but then you prioritize sex over serious shit and it all comes rushing back to me.”

 

he watches as ten crosses the room, grabbing the door handle. “look at yourself, can you blame me?”

 

“no,” ten says, “but i still hate it. are you coming? there’s only like, five more minutes.”

 

“i’ll be down in a sec. save me a seat?” lucas waits for him to nod and close the door before he grabs his phone and double checks himself in the mirror. then he waits for enough time to have passed and exits his room, heading straight to taeyong’s.

 

in typical leader fashion, his and johnny’s room is at the end of the hallway, smack in the center. he passes chenle and renjun who are both rushing towards the front door and probably think he’s lost it for going the other way, as well as yuta who’s pretty much just strolling in comparison, but luckily he can spot the red hair through the crack in the door. johnny must’ve gone on ahead, he thinks, but he still knocks just in case. he’s a polite guy, after all, even when he’s still a little mad.

 

of course, it takes a few seconds for taeyong to finish up whatever he’s doing and come to the door, and when he does he doesn’t look all that enthusiastic to see lucas on the other side of it. he looks about as pissed as lucas feels, but he pushes that all to the side in the name of restoring peace. a team can’t function if all the members aren’t in sync. this has to be settled, and it has to be done now.

 

“i just wanted to apologize for earlier,” lucas starts. “i might have overreacted to your unprompted advice and i realize that now. like i said before, i want us to be better friends and closer teammates, and we can’t do that if we’re butting heads over something as small as this.”

 

taeyong nods, “i understand. but this isn’t something small, lucas. this is doing the right thing versus doing the wrong thing.”

 

“there’s no right and wrong—”

 

“let me finish.” taeyong holds up a hand, adjusting the blanket tucked under his other arm. “not everything is strictly good or strictly bad. i would go as far as to argue than every good thing has a bad quality and vice versa, but that’s not the point i’m trying to make right now. what i’m trying to say is that you need to make a serious decision about what your priority is here, in nct and within this company. if it’s not making this group as strong as it possibly can be, then i don’t think we can anything more than groupmates.”

 

“i want to be here more than anything else,” lucas says. “you know that, everyone does.”

 

taeyong gives him a long, hard look before he tells him, “you need to prove it.”

 

the managers do a last call and then they’re both walking step in step beside each other to avoid being scolded too harshly for running behind. the walk to the vans out front is as uncomfortable as it is painful, and when ten meets his eyes through the window with the corners of his lips twitching up into a smile lucas feels an ache like never before. _later_ , he tells himself as he buckles in. later, but not now.

 

—

 

the event goes as well as he thinks it would when he’s full of nervous energy not even related to the hundred of fans in front of him, and he’s kind of ready to bolt into his room and avoid everyone altogether but then they’re being talked into doing a quick live for the fans that couldn’t make it out. he still manages to take a detour before heading up, trying to work through his racing thoughts before having to be put in front of the camera again.

 

really, it should be easy. they haven’t even been dating a full month yet, so why does it feel like all of his lunch will rise up his throat and spill onto the floor if he so much as even tries to break up with ten? it’s the right thing to do, the unselfish thing that will show that he’s committed to this team and keeping it strong, but what about his feelings? what about ten’s feelings—he’d gone through this already, hadn’t he? lucas doesn’t want to be another guy like that. lucas doesn’t want to do _anything_ that would hurt or distress ten, especially prior to the comeback. they have to be at their best, and ten faking happy is not his best. 

 

so what’s the other solution? just constantly be uneasy around his leader who is also one of ten’s best friends? continue to lie to not only his boyfriend but the rest of their members? be happy in one aspect of his life but not the other? it’s not much better than the other option, admittedly, but at least in this one he still has ten’s happiness secured. there’s a lot of collateral damage no matter which way he leans, which doesn’t make any of this easier.

 

maybe telling everyone is the only option that’s anywhere near being perfect. if the company tells them to knock it off, then they don’t have much of a choice in the matter. they’d just have to break up and that would be that. if the company just gives them a whatever, then they could just tell the rest of the members and anyone who had a real problem with it could say something then. taeyong’s only worried because he’s afraid it’ll tear apart the group, but if everyone knows then there’s nothing that’s really in danger anymore, is it? they could defend each other if they all know what was going on, and anyone who tried to out them or slander them would just be slapped with a lawsuit. it could work out. it could be the deciding answer he’s looking for.

 

“looking for a bathroom?” yuta’s voice breaks his train of thought. he’s holding the elevator door open and lucas smiles a bit sheepishly as he follows him on. “you’ve looked better.”

 

“thanks?” he’s not sure if it’s a good or a bad thing, but he probably will stop by the bathroom once they hit their floor. “sorry, i’ve just got a lot on my mind.”

 

“i can tell, but i wasn’t going to pry. just know you’re not alone. we’ve all got your back.” yuta slaps his, to emphasis the point but it only makes lucas stand up a little taller in soreness. “oh, shit, sorry. forgot you’ve been practicing like crazy.”

 

lucas looks at him incredulously, “and you haven’t?”

 

“you’re still new. your big baby body isn’t used to this kind of training, even with the trainee stuff. me? i’m pretty much a pro at this point.” yuta says.

 

“god,” lucas mumbles.

 

yuta snorts, “you’ll get used to it, trust me. just keep at it.”

 

“not like i have much of choice now,” lucas sighs, watching the door open. “i’ll be on in a minute, i just wanna fix my face in a mirror.”

 

“don’t worry, there’s enough of us where it’ll be a miracle to have everyone together at one time with all the madness going on. i think sicheng and taeil are still trying to plan jaehyun a small birthday party after the radio show, but who knows. maybe we’ll just eat cake until we fall asleep.” yuta says. “anyway, i might be overstepping, but don’t let taeyong get to you. he’s just perpetually afraid of failure and takes it out on everyone who remotely threatens it.”

 

lucas narrows his eyes, “i didn’t say anything about taeyong.”

 

yuta shrugs, “you also didn’t say anything about ten, but i know all about that too. you play with that ring like it’s an actual toy, even if you’re not wearing it now. i can read you like a book, kid.”

 

“i hate this,” lucas covers his face, “if you get to know so much, then tell me why were you lurking around last night. it’s only fair.”

 

“use your eyes and maybe you’ll figure it out on your own. i’m sure you’re not too shy of the truth already.”

 

yuta’s turning the corner by the time lucas can think of a follow up so he goes on to the bathroom, splashing a little water on his face. he does look a little rough, but hopefully the live show won’t be that long. there are, unfortunately, more important things that he has to get through tonight before he can even think about pleasing fans to the fullest, but that doesn’t mean he’s not gonna try.

 

entering the room grants him a nice cheer from kun and yuta, and he sits a little behind taeyong on the same row as ten. they’re both more focused on the camera than him, which is nice, and he and kun share a small moment before more members start trickling in. he eventually moves to be closer to mark, ignoring his questioning glance, and just kind of takes in the moment of being around everyone. they really are a family, at the end of the day, and the best families don’t really hide big secrets. it feels right to tell everyone, no matter the consequences, and even if ten doesn’t agree with him immediately, he feels confident in his abilities to get ten to see what he means.

 

because he can look over at jungwoo and chenle and feel nothing but warmth inside the same way he looks back at ten and taeyong and knows that they’re all gonna get through this, someway and somehow. he believes in this unit, this team, this family, and that all of their dreams, no matter how outlandish or simple they make be, can and will come true. that’s why when ten starts talking about chocolate he doesn’t stop himself from reaching over taeyong’s leg and taking his hand, locking and then unlocking their fingers as he watches him speak. he ignores the mild panic from taeyong because again, he knows what he wants. and he wants it all.

 

the live ends in under ten minutes and then everyone’s scrambling off to their respective next things. taeyong shoots him a look before he turns the corner with jungwoo (who also shoots him a look, but a much more supportive one) and then the room sort of empties out on its own, staff included. he and ten don’t linger on purpose, but neither of them are in a rush, and they take the stairs together, pinkies locked and giggling like children.

 

sicheng and taeil _did_ get a cake for jaehyun, which they’re planning on giving him once he and johnny come back from recording. they promise to call them both out once it’s closer to time and they just nod along, heading directly for ten’s room. there’s a bit of a rush in his chest when he enters this time, seeing their little bubble that has taken over this room, and he lets it wash over him as he throws himself on the bed, having tossed his coat carelessly over the back of ten’s desk chair.

 

“c’mere,” he holds his arms open wide as ten shrugs out of his sweater. “i want to tell you something.”

 

“that’s yet to be a good sign today,” ten snorts, but falls into his arms without much more of a complaint. they fit together well, despite the height difference, and lucas is always a fan of being in such close proximity to ten. “go ahead.”

 

“we can have an adult talk like this, yeah? i don’t think we’re going to be getting very far with our other plans if we have to leave for jaehyun’s cake in a bit.” lucas holds his boyfriend’s gaze. “i just wanted to tell you that you mean very, very much to me.”

 

ten rolls his eyes, but his cheeks still heat up. “that’s not a new thing.”

 

“i know, but i thought i should tell you before we get into this other stuff.” lucas says. “you mean a lot to me, but so does this group. we’ve both worked hard to get to where we are, and i think it shows in everything we’ve shown the world thus far. and i want to keep showing the world better and better performances, and better and better sides of me. i want to make all this chaos count, and i can’t do that if i don’t go for everything that i want.”

 

“so what does that mean?” ten furrows his brows, “are you…breaking up with me?”

 

“not even close. i still want to tell everyone, but i want you to understand _why_ i do. we’re like, one big family here and it makes me feel bad to even lie by omission to any of them. if we can risk sneaking around, then why not risk telling our members, if not our managers?” lucas starts. “sure, they could tell us to break up or punish us or whatever, but at least then we wouldn’t have to lie anymore. it’s tiring not to be able to talk about certain things with people, and it’s not fair to any of the people that we’ve told to carry the burden of our secret, y’know? if it’s out in the open, then we can better protect ourselves from the people we _actually_ don’t want knowing.”

 

ten nods at that, “you have a point.”

 

“so what are you thinking?”

 

“i’m thinking that this crazy,” ten admits. “i’m thinking that this isn’t even close to what i signed up to do here and yet i don’t really want to walk away from this, at least not without seeing where it can go. i’m already taking a chance on you, i might as well go all the fuck in, yeah?”

 

lucas grins, “that’s the spirit. we don’t have to do it like, now or anything, but—”

 

“no, we should get it all out in the open before the first performance of boss. that way nobody’s stressing and we’re all back in sync again.” ten says. “maybe not tomorrow, but by the end of the week, at least. that gives us a little time to prepare.”

 

“ugh, you’re so smart.” lucas sighs dramatically, pulling another snort out of ten. “can we stop being serious now because i really want nothing more than to kiss your face.”

 

ten just laughs and lucas takes it upon himself to leave kisses all over his boyfriend’s face. they stay in that kind of moment together for a bit, just lazily kissing and laughing, and lucas doesn’t just feel good and safe. he feels loved at the same time that he’s _in_ love, and the moment the realization pops into his head he feels at if he’s figured everything out. that’s why he couldn’t let go. that’s why he kept getting so defensive. that’s why everything always melts away when they’re together. he loves ten, in his own way, and he doesn’t have to say it know ten feels the same.

 

eventually, though, mark beats on the door and tells them to get their asses out to the kitchen, and by the time they’ve made themselves presentable johnny and jaehyun are also walking through the door, the members who are still awake singing a very noisy birthday song. jaehyun looks a little embarrassed by the display but goes around squeezing everyone into a hug anyway after he’s blown out the candles. sicheng’s passing out cake as they disperse themselves around the living room, and lucas settles comfortably with kun, mark, haechan, and jungwoo while ten hangs out with his own friends. he tries to watch yuta discreetly, get an idea of whoever the hell he was hinting at earlier, but he’s kind of touchy with anyone. it’s a investigation for another day, he supposes.

 

the gathering lasts a little longer than they expected it to, but luckily no one has to be up until eleven the next morning, so they take their time before one by one excusing themselves towards their rooms. lucas pops into his and kun’s only after he’s showered and changed into more sleep-friendly clothes to dump his other stuff in the laundry bin, kun clicking away in photoshop on his laptop in bed.

 

“i’ll be in haechan and mark’s room, so you don’t have wait up.” he says, halfway out the door.

 

he _thinks_ he hears kun mumble, “at least it’s not the bathroom.” as he closes it behind him, but he’s not entirely sure. maybe he is kind of a shitty liar.

 

still, he makes his way back to ten’s room, nerves already rolled off his shoulder as he locks this door behind him. ten’s on the edge of the bed, doing something on his phone until he hears the door shut. then he’s all coy smiles as he moves to put his phone on the charger while lucas takes up his usual spot on the bed. “so.”

 

“so,” lucas repeats.

 

“this is going to be awkward, no matter how we look at it.” ten says. “so i’m just going to go ahead and confirm that you’re topping, right? and have a condom?”

 

lucas tries to hide his clush, “um, yeah.”

 

“great!” ten claps his hands together. “so the next thing i’m gonna do is suck your dick, if you’re cool with that, and then we can get into the other stuff as we go?”

 

“uh,” now his face feels like it’s on fire. the nerves are back and louder than ever. “t-that’s fine, i guess. but can i kiss you first? i really like kissing you.”

 

ten’s eyes crinkle together with his wide smile, “of course, honey. c’mere.”

 

it’s not much different than before, but lucas still likes the act of kissing his boyfriend. ten’s lips are soft, even if they aren’t as big as his own, and he likes the feeling of their tongues brushing against one another. they go slow, not because they have to, but because they’re not in a real rush. in the back of his mind, lucas thinks about how you only get one real first time with someone you love. he thinks he should be more nervous about it, but ten’s hands find his again and he’s as calm as he can be.

 

ten eventually presses kisses leading away from his mouth, down his jaw and over his throat, a glint in his eye as lucas tries to keep himself as quiet as possible. he’s careful not to leave marks, naturally, and he climbs off the bed and makes himself comfortable between lucas’s legs. it’s a heated moment, which is why he’s not expecting his voice to be so soft and kind when he says, “still okay?”

 

“still okay,” lucas confirms, and then ten takes down his boxers and sweatpants with one tug until they’re pooled in front of him on the floor. admittedly, he’s not looking too impressive at the moment but ten doesn’t seem to mind, taking him into his right hand and slowly stroking. it’s feels kind of off, probably from the old callouses on ten’s hand, but it also feels extremely pleasant, and his hands tighten on their own in the sheets. he watches him, silent outside of the short pants he lets out when ten picks up his rhythm, and focuses on ten’s lashes. he focuses on the way that ten’s tongue pouts out of the corner of his mouth, concentrated, and he focuses on ten’s other hand pressing against his own pants. lucas almost offers to help, but then he can’t focus on anything except the heat.

 

ten’s only got the tip in now but it feels like more, sends shivers up his spine when ten looks up through his lashes and takes another inch into his mouth. it’s been a while since he’s had his dick sucked, sure, but he’s never done anything like this. last time was something messy and unexpected in the high school bathroom, but this? this is what his body has been missing, what it’s been longing for without even knowing. ten’s good with his tongue, and that combined with his free hand running up and down lucas’ thigh is enough to bring him close to edge but he holds strong regardless. they still had more planned, and he was determined to see it all through.

 

he lets his fingers knit into ten’s short locks, reminiscing briefly on his longer style. anything would suit him, but he thinks when he’s got his hair hanging in his face he looks younger, more real. ten swallows around him once, twice, and lucas nearly breaks the skin on his lip with how hard he’s biting it. he’s got it all in now, nose pressing into his pubes, and he works at that in relative content until he realizes that lucas is holding back and pulls off with a quiet pop.

 

lucas pulls him up into his lap, pressing their lips together in another kiss. he can taste himself on ten’s tongue, and while it’s not the greatest thing in the world he doesn’t mind it enough to stop kissing his boyfriend. it’s more feverish now, ten’s hands slipping underneath his shirt and then breaking away momentarily to tug it over his head. ten’s own clothing slips away with the same ease and then they’re rocking their hips together, breathy noises leaving both of their mouths as lucas takes them both in his hand. he’s sure he looks a mess at this point but he doesn’t care because every time ten looks at him he’s smiling, and that’s what matters at the end of the night. that they’re both happy and enjoying themselves in this moment and all the ones that come after it.

 

eventually, though, ten pulls away and grabs the lube from his bedside drawer. he tilts in back and forth in front of lucas’s eyes as he teases, “ever gotten this far before, not-entirely-a-virgin?”

 

“no,” lucas watches the mild shock roll onto ten’s face, but he’s quick to compose himself. “guess you’ll have to teach me the ropes, hm?”

 

“another time, maybe.” he pats lucas’s cheek gently before uncapping the bottle and pouring a generous amount on his fingers. “how about i give you a little show tonight instead?”

 

he watches ten move onto his hands and knees, looking over his shoulder as he puts his weight on one arm and reaches back with the other to pull his cheeks apart. before lucas can get another word out he’s tracing around his own rim before sinking in one finger with a small shudder. he can’t look away, watching it come in and out, and even though ten’s fingers aren’t particularly long they’re thick enough to compensate and get the job done. lucas had been more concerned about his own girth rather than length in the first place, but then a few minutes pass and he’s got three in, about to work in a fourth before lucas starts to get antsy again.

 

ten’s gorgeous like this, back glistening with sweat in the dim lighting of the room with soft little pants coming out as he continues to fuck himself on his own fingers. lucas leans off the edge of the bed to grab the condom out of his pocket and then roll it on, careful not to rip it. then he’s swatting ten’s hands out of the way, watching his hole clench around nothing before he rolls him onto back, looming over him. ten looks like he’s about to complain but then lucas is raising his hips up and lining up his dick. “still okay?”

 

“jesus fuck,” ten grumbles, “you can’t just _stop_ me and then make me wait—”

 

he doesn’t exactly plunge in, but he goes in deep enough that ten’s complaint ends of a high pitched whine. it’s—it’s _nice_ , is the easy way to describe it, but it’s also the only way to describe it when ten is so tight around him he can hardly speak, let alone think. bit by bit, he works the rest of himself in and watches ten come undone in front of him, nails leaving tiny crescents in his forearm from where he’s gripping on too tightly. he thinks it’s nice to have the upper hand for once, even if he prefers letting ten be in control. they can figure it out next time, whenever it manages to come.

 

it gets harder to remember that they have to be quiet, especially when he starts pulling in and out, creating his own pace that both frustrates and appeases ten at the same time. he knows he’s brushed against ten’s prostate when he lets out a string of swears, and then the bed starts creaking under their weight and lucas can only hope that whoever is next door is a heavy sleeper because otherwise this would be a hard thing to explain prior to their actual sit down on the weekend. he’s so close now, and ten is too, precome dribbling out of his cock and down the center of his chest like a tiny river. it’s when ten digs the heel of his feet into lucas’s thighs that makes it so he can’t hold back any more, both of them making an entire mess of the bedsheets.

 

lucas pulls out before he gets too soft and ties off the condom, tossing it in the bin before he’s back to clinging to ten underneath the sheets. ten has wet wipes, but lucas isn’t entirely sure they do much more they smear what’s already there around. it’s the effort that counts, though, and he thinks they’re both kind of glowing down, both happy and at peace with one another.

 

“you’re really so cute,” he’s half asleep now, mumbling near ten’s ear. “all the time, but especially when you’re whining.”

 

“shut up, xuxi. go to sleep before i kick you out.” ten’s hands rest on top of his over his stomach. he kicks backward to enforce his point. “you’re awful and i hate you.”

 

“sure,” he smiles against ten’s skin. “the same to you, then.”

 

—

 

 

 

**epilogue: everything is you**

 

 

 

 

chenle shoves another spoonful of cereal into his mouth, “uh, yeah right.”

 

“why would we lie about this?” lucas stands in front of the television in the living room, the rest of the group scattered either there or in the kitchen. “it’d be the least productive meeting ever.”

 

“everyone needs to sign these forms before the day is out,” their manager says, tapping the large stack of papers on the coffee table. “otherwise, there will be choice words to be had.”

 

they all wait for her to exit, and then jaehyun says, “um, congrats?”

 

“i just want to say that i was doing it first,” yuta slings an arm over sicheng’s shoulder. “maybe not the whole dating thing, but for sure the f—”

 

“um,” taeyong’s face is almost as bright as his hair, “there’s still kids in the room.”

 

jisung scoffs, “what, you think we don’t know? we’re not _babies_.”

 

“yeah, it’s not like you guys go out of your way to be secretive about like, porn and stuff.” jaemin adds.

 

taeil looks at him in horror, “please don’t ever say that word again. i’m begging you.”

 

“we are getting _way_ off track here.” ten says. jeno and renjun both start silently chanting the word ‘porn’. “does anyone have any problems or concerns about lucas and i dating?”

 

for a moment, lucas expects taeyong to voice his concerns again but then johnny’s saying, “as long as you guys don’t bring your arguments into work then i think we’re all good, yeah?”

 

the room chimes in agreement, and then doyoung says, “anyone else wanna confess? we’ve got all morning blocked off for this, it seems.”

 

“i’ll confess!” haechan says, and everyone focuses in on him. “this whole time…i’ve been not listening to a single word out of anyone’s mouth. who wants to catch me up?”

 

mark and kun both swat at him in annoyance and then everyone’s talking over each other like it’s every other morning in their dorm. lucas looks at ten, who only shakes his head in amusement before going back to his own breakfast. things had gone a lot better than expected, with both the higher ups and their members, so he could only hope the good days didn’t stop coming any time soon.

 

he’s on dish duty for the morning, so as soon as he’s finished and sees them starting to pile up in the sink he starts to tackle them while everyone starts to reaper for the day. he can hear johnny and yuta arguing over the shower while music from taeil’s room starts to flow through the halls. it’s a typical day, even with the revelations, and he feels good being able to receive ten’s kiss on the cheek while chenle and jaemin fake gag before scurrying away. 

 

lucas is almost done with the dishes when taeyong steps in. honestly, he’d gotten over his anger towards the guy what feels like weeks ago, but was only a few days. taeyong was only doing what he thought was right to protect the many instead of the few. in his position, lucas can only hope that he would’ve done the same thing. still, he finishes off the last few pieces of silverware before he gives the older man his attention, pulling off the wet rubber gloves. “yeah?”

 

taeyong raises a brow.

 

“i mean, yeah, hyung?” lucas corrects himself, leaning against the corner.

 

he just rolls his eyes, hiding his smile. “i think it’s probably my turn to apologize. i overstepped, and i didn’t give much of a thought about your or ten’s individual feelings. i just focused on the needs of the group as a whole and not much else, and i want to do better about that. we’re not just all work and no play, after all.”

 

“of course. and like i said, i fucked up too. but the fact that we can move past all this is a good sign.” lucas smiles. “i still would really like to be better friends with you.”

 

“so long as you don’t do anything stupid to hurt ten, then i think we can make that happen.”

 

lucas scoffs, “oh, so _now_ you’re the protective best friend?”

 

“i’m always the protective best friend.” taeyong grins. “hurry up and get changed, though. we have practice within the next hour and i know you haven’t been stretching properly.”

 

“i try my best,” lucas says, though he’s sure it goes unheard.

 

given all the choices he’d made thus far to be where he is today, lucas still can’t really wrap his head around all of this. he’s got a great boyfriend, an even greater supportive group of friends, and the greatest teammates of all time. he’s happy, really, genuinely happy for once, and he kind of wants nothing more to call up his mother and tell her all about it. (she’d like ten, he thinks, and will probably personally thank him for taking such good care of her son. then she’ll break out the terrible family photos that lucas has been trying to hide for ages but she always manages to find and they’d laugh and he’d never live it down. it’s perfect.)

 

and so he does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to everyone who waited so patiently on me to finish i'm sorry i'm posting 1) so late (from when i originally said) and 2) so LATE (at nighttime hours) ;___; but i hope you all enjoyed it and if not just come yell at me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/yuktenbot) or my [cc](https://curiouscat.me/yukten) i'll write again soon!!!!! <3


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